Why is it so confusing!!!???

When I lost him......... I felt so lonely. I cried. When I saw him with another girl I was sad........ I cried. I screamed. Very loud. Made my friend crying too. When I started forgetting him. It was almost successed. Then he came again to me, and told me that he loves me. I was with him again. Then...suddenly I felt that he just using me. So I asked him to go away. I had promised to myself that I wouldn't care about him anymore and forgetting him. So I could. I have said to my friends that my feeling has been free and I already like another boy and singing Fugu's song "here today". But he... He still calling me. Sms-ing me. And telling me that he still loves me. Hey boy, you already have a girl!! WTF?! ..........then I doubt my own feeling. I can't lie to my own feeling. Do I still love him? 'Cause I never wanna see his fb or his story anymore. I'm afraid. Afraid to cry again. Why when I have sure that I'm free the doubt feeling comes?! WHY LOVE IS SO CONFUSING. Oh bloody hell!

What I feel about love now..?

Stupid post. I don't know what to do.. Here we go..

(In a rush - Blackstreet)
It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside


(Way down here - Superdrag)
but I would give most anything
to see you smile at me again
I don't know (since you've gone)
I don't know (since you've been gone)
what I'm supposed to do
way down here without you


(The way I am -Ingrid Michaelson)
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.


(Last Day of our love - The Bird and the Bee)
there is nothing left to do or say
we tried our very best
and as we clear away
all the scraps of our happiness
i feel an ache in my chest


(Seven years - Saosin)
that mistake was gold 'cause I know
without you, is something that I could never do
That was right, staple the eyes and seven dates for me to
Sell machines and tear on


(Your call - Secondhand Serenade)
Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
Call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember, butterfly, early summer?
It?s playing on repeat, just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet
I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to
To make you mine, stay with me tonight


(Love song - 311)
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you


(Chin up - Copeland)
Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that,
I'd break your neck to keep my chin up.


(Littlest things - Lily Allen)
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

Regret

Kangen.. Cuma satu kata yang gue tau sekarang, kangen. Tapi pas gue sadarin, orang yang gue kangenin udah ga sama gue lagi, udah ga kangen sama gue lagi. Udah ga butuh gue lagi, udah ninggalin gue..

Semua ini gara-gara kebodohan gue. Keinginan gue dari dulu tuh cuma satu, nyenengin dia aja. Tapi apa yang gue lakuin? Gue malah (ga sengaja) nyakitin dia, memperlakukan dia sampai dia ngerasa dimainin gue (yah, emang ga gitu, cuma gue terlalu banyak mikir tentang baik buruk ga mikirin perasaan dia kayak gimana, udah gitu gue plin plan). Gue malah bikin dia ga kangen lagi ama gue, bikin dia malah benci sama gue, bikin dia mikirnya gue sayang dia pas butuh doang!

Gue ga tau gue udah ngerasain jadi dia atau belum, tapi ga sih gue masih ada temen… Mungkin kalo menurut dia udah, selamat deh, dia bisa senyum sinis. Tapi yang penting sekarang gue udah ga mau lagi berhubungan ama dunia luar gue males. Mungkin bener kata dia gue udah nyerah sama idup. Tapi gue ga peduli yang penting gue mau sendiri. Sekarang gue udah sering bawa-bawa piso di tangan gue. Gue udah mulai sering nyayat-nyayatin tuh piso ke tangan gue. Bikin tulisan; MATI.

Ya Allah, Bee kangen sama dia, kangen sama suaranya, pelukannya, kasih sayangnya. Kalo emang dia bukan jodoh Bee, tolong bikin dia seneng kayak dia bikin Bee seneng. Jangan pernah jauhin dia dari Bee, Bee pengin banget terus ada deket dia… Yah emang seperti prinsip gue, umur segini ngapain sih pacaran? Gue emang ga mau pcaran aja, tapi gue udah terlanjur sayang banget ama dia… Emang bukan sekarang aja waktunya gue bareng dia, atau emang Allah masih ngasih yang berkali-kali lipat lebih baik dari pada gue buat dia. Bukan buat gue, karena setau gue ga ada yang lebih baek dari dia buat gue…

Sekarang keinginan gue itu bikin dia seneng dan dia tau gue sayang banget sama dia..

Is this the end of 'it' ?

Hem dimulai dari mana yah? :'(

Oke, gue bakal mulai bercerita. Jadi tentang hubungan gue sama si Kebo. Gue ama dia udah sering banget putus nyambung. Putus udah tiga kali dan yang sekarang jadi empat. Dan balikan udahtiga kali. Pas ketiga kalinya gue putus, anak-anak pada sering bilang, 'ah entar paling lo balikan lagi, Bee!'. Walaupun gue udah tahan-tahan biar nggak balikan tapi tetep aja, dia tetep telpon gue, sms, bilang sayang.

Tapi buat yang kali ini gue bener-bener mau ngakhirin nih hubungan. Gue nggak bakal mau balikan lagi ama dia sampe gue gede nanti.

Pagi tadi gue udah berantem ama dia gara-gara tempat duduk yang baru dipindah. Akhirnya seterusnya jutek-jutekan deh tuh. Apa lagi dia kayaknya merasa bego banget kalo bisa sayang ama gue. Huft. Gue merasa, 'omigod! Jadi selama ini dia sayang tuh gak berguna? DAMN!'. Gue nangis pas pelajaran agama. Untung temen-temen cewek gue baeeeek banget ama gue. Thanks yah, friends.

Oke akhirnya gue udah ngerasa sakit banget deh, gue jutekin tuh anak. Bener-bener gue nggak mau ngemeng ama dia, ngeliat mukanya aja udah nggak mau! Tapi tetep aja pasti masalah harus diselesein kan? Mau atau gak gue pasti ada kontak ama dia. Nah istirahat gue nggak bareng dia. Gue udah ngerasa nggak bebas deh. Mau ngapain harus bilang dia, kemana-mana harus ama dia. Duuuuh, serasa dunia tuh cuma ada dia doang! Apa lagi kalo soal temenan, deket ama cowok dia cemburu. Deket ama cewek serasa dikacangin. Hhh... Udah gitu, dia nuntut gue perhatian ama dia lah, jaga perasaan dia lah, etc. Tapi dia sendiri? What? Dia gitu nggak ama gue? Ngaca! Yah walaupun sekarang gue udah nggak permasalahin itu sih..

Yaudah akhirnya pulang sekolah tuh abis tutorial... Gue ngemengin ni masalah ama dia. Sampe akhirnya dia bilang, 'cium dong. Buat terakhir kalinya. Yah?' Gue diem nggak mau ngeliat mata dia. Maksudnya apa sih? gue pikir. Nah gue nunduk tuh nggak tau mau ngapain lagi. Terus dia cium gue. And then he said, 'semoga dapet cowo baru ya!'. Dan gue dengan kagetnya langsung ngadah, 'jadi?' WHAT THE HECK? JRIT!

Nah dari situ gue mikir. Oke, nggak balikan lagi walaupun saling sayang. Kurangi kontak-kontakan sama dia! Tapi dihubungan gue ama dia gue emang juga banyak salah sih... Hem... Tapiiii, pulang sekolah gue sms dia gue nanya pulsa yang kemaren dia beliin buat gue dibalikin nggak? Dia bilang sih nggak usah. Yaudah... Eh tapi pas dia udah nyampe rumahnya, dia nelpon gue ampe jam setengah sepuluh malem! WHAT? Mana kita punya perjanjian lagi. Gue sih pengen nggak mau ngehubungin dia lama-lama tapi, gue lagi butuh temen cerita gimana dong? Yah, elo Bee, payah! Huft...

Yaudah lah let it flow... Tapi gue masih mikir. Apa ini akhirnya?